This blog post is about reflecting on motherhood, ramblings of an honest mom
Ramblings of An Honest Mom, Reflecting on Motherhood
I've been awake since 4:40 AM, had some yogurt, read a little on nutrition to stay updated for my nutrition certifications, caught up on emails, and enjoyed my coffee. Everyone is still asleep in the house, and I'm quietly reflecting on the last three years of my life.
If you had told me three years ago that I'd be awake at 4:40 AM and happy about it, I would have laughed. But I don't know the person I was three years ago anymore. I'm not sure I even know the world from three years ago.
Tik Tok of All Places
How did I start reflecting on motherhood this morning?
Recently, I was scrolling through TikTok, as one does, and came across a young woman discussing how the last three years have felt like a strange, non-existent time due to Covid. While she had already graduated from college, started working, and transitioned into the "real world," she entered the Covid era as an early twenty-something and now finds herself in her late twenties, yet she still feels somewhat stuck in her early twenties. She talked about how, even though time kept moving, she missed out on experiences and crucial moments as an early twenty-something.
Her experience as an early twenty-something resonated with me, reflecting how I feel about the last three years of my life.
If I had to use one word to sum up my life over the past three years, it would be "disassociated." I shared a glimpse of my first pregnancy journey on my YouTube channel, but here's a little more.
We discovered I was pregnant just one week into lockdown while we were still living in Los Angeles. Initially, I tried to stay hopeful, but as time passed, the bitterness of having this experience robbed from me crept in.
I had to navigate my first pregnancy without my mom, and I would never be able to ask her the questions I had. She would never have the opportunity to spoil my daughter in the unique way only a grandmother can. I wouldn't have her to hold me and reassure me that everything would be okay, as only a mom can do.
What's worse, people were so afraid of Covid that I lost my community as well.
Los Angeles can be an isolating place, especially with its often superficial friendships, but during Covid, the city became even more divided. There were numerous social and economic challenges, making times chaotic, to say the least.
Planning my own baby shower was disheartening enough, but add to that the fact that most people didn't want to attend, and it made an expecting mother feel quite lonely.
At that time, I was working with Dermae, and the kind team there surprised me with a baby shower. The fact that a group of people I hadn't even met in person went out of their way to celebrate with me was both one of the best and worst moments.
It was the best because it showed me that people did care and wanted to celebrate with me. But it was also the worst because it highlighted the need to prioritize the people in my life better.
Everything Went Wrong
During my pregnancy, practically anything and everything that could go wrong did. From my doctor's office suddenly shutting down at 30 weeks pregnant without warning to developing PUPPPS.
My labor and delivery story was no different. It was long, painful, traumatic, and ultimately ended in an emergency c-section that saved my life.
There's a new study suggesting that the postpartum period can last as long as seven years. But if that's the case, why do we expect women to return to work in just six weeks?
It's been almost three years since I gave birth, and only now am I starting to feel like a version of my former self. I doubt I'll ever be the same again.
Becoming a Mom
While there's nothing more rewarding than watching my daughter grow each day, the first year was the hardest of my life. I didn't enjoy the newborn stage or even the baby stage. Perhaps I would have if I weren't struggling so much mentally and physically, but there were countless moments during that first year when I didn't know if or how I would make it.
Change of Scenery
When we moved, I began trying to be present with my daughter because that first year felt like pure survival mode. As I'm reflecting on motherhood, at first, I couldn't truly be present, so I started recording our days to help remember what happened. During her naps, I would look through my camera roll and relive the good moments.
Slowly, I started looking forward to new adventures with her, and we began to bond. Over time, we found our rhythm and strengthened our relationship.
Something changed in me when I lost my mom. For a while, I didn't think much about it, but time began to weigh on me. Losing my mom instilled a fear of time in me, and having a baby only solidified it.
When I saw that TikTok about lost time, it made me realize that we might all be feeling it on some level. It's as though the last three years happened, but we've all been stuck in this strange limbo.
As a first-time mom whose entire motherhood experience has unfolded during this strange time period, all I can say is, "What the fuck happened? I have an almost three-year-old!"